Category: Uncategorized

Greetings from 2023!

And for those of you still languishing in 2022, TAKE HEART!

The Ukrainian War is over. After lengthy negotiations, Ukraine has given assurances that it will no longer seek entry into NATO, to which Vladimir Putin responded, “for fuck sake, why the hell didn’t you say that before I started bombing the everloving crap out of your country?”

To which noted comedian and Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelenskyy replied, “GIVE ME MORE MONEY”

To which Joe Biden Body Double #2 replied “We pledge our support to restoring the Ukraine to it’s former beauty, and to fix that pipeline that we blew up with a underwater drone”

To which noted comedian and Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelenskyy replied, “GIVE ME MORE MONEY”

To which Joe Biden Body Double #1 replied “Also, we will disband NATO, which was created to oppose the Soviet Union, but which now only exists to stir up shit with Russia, who, by the way, has a bunch of nukes”

To which Vladimir Putin replied, “Whew, I was serious about those nukes like I said, guys. It’s really the only card I have to play in any real conflict. I mean, Russia as a lower GDP than Canada. We really can’t sustain a serious conflict. “

To which Joe Biden Body Double #2 replied “Yeah, I was pretty concerned about that. Nuclear Armageddon would be really bad, and any prudent world leaders would do anything to avoid it, including negotiating with a belligerent asshole like Vladimir Putin. That’s why Joe Biden Body Double #1 disbanded NATO.

And that’s why he’s Joe Biden Body Double #1. Sharp guy.”

To which noted comedian and Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelenskyy replied, “GIVE ME MORE MONEY”

To which Joe Biden Body Double #1 replied “Thanks, Joe Biden Body Double #2. Also, we’re cutting off our support of the Saudi’s genocide in Yemen, which my former boss Barack Obama started ‘to appease the Saudi’s’ and which every president since then has continued to support.”

To which Joe Biden Body Double #2 replied “But I said we were going to end that a while ago, I haven’t seen anything on the news about it since then.”

To which Joe Biden Body Double #1 replied “The news doesn’t report about that because it’s a genocide funded by US tax dollars and US taxpayers prefer to think of themselves as good people rather than genocidal maniacs”

To which Joe Biden Body Double #2 replied “But aren’t there hundreds of thousands of people dying there from diseases like cholera, where children are literally shitting themselves to death?”

To which Joe Biden Body Double #1 replied “Yes, about half a million deaths by now including many children shitting themselves to death from cholera.”

To which Joe Biden Body Double #1 continued “Furthermore. the people reading this who have never heard of the genocide in Yemen that their tax dollars are funding think of themselves as good people so we don’t talk about that. We talk about Ukraine because Vladimir Putin is an identifiable BAD GUY whom we can demonize to make ourselves feel good about paying taxes.”

To which noted comedian and Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelenskyy replied, “GIVE ME MORE MONEY”

To which Vladimir Putin replied “I’m not really a BAD GUY, you guys just haven’t been listening to me about keeping Ukraine out of NATO”

To which Joe Biden Body Double #1 replied “Yeah well you’re still an asshole so GFY”

To which Vladimir Putin replied “OK, fair. Maybe I didn’t need to bomb the everloving shit out of all of those beautiful Ukranian cities”

To which noted comedian and Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelenskyy replied, “GIVE ME MORE MONEY”

To which Vladimir Putin replied “Who the hell are you talking to, I haven’t given, and don’t intend to give, you any money. I’m broke after all this fighting mate. All I have left is nukes.”

To which noted comedian and Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelenskyy replied, “HELL YES GIVE ME SOME NUKES”

To which Vladimir Putin replied “OK sure, but only if the US gives you some of their nukes too to make it fair.”

To which Joe Biden Body Double #2 replied “OK sure, what could possibly go wrong?”

To which Joe Biden Body Double #1 replied “Oh, man. I shouldn’t have eaten that Chipotle earlier. What did I miss while I was in the shitter?”

To which Joe Biden replied “Vladimir Putin has overstepped his… you know when… sheszse fhuhrrrem dizzhioangimednsssm”

Which, evidently, was one of the nuclear codes.

To which the entire population of St. Petersburg replied “AAAAAAUUUUUGGGH”

To which Vladimir Putin replied “…the fuck? MOTHERFUCKERS!”

To which the entire population of Delaware replied “AAAAAAUUUUUGGGH”

To which the entire population of the USA except Delaware replied “Served them right for that fucking toll booth”

To which noted comedian and Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelenskyy replied, “Uh, guys? When am I getting those nukes?”

To which Joe Biden Body Double #1 replied “Delaware doesn’t take shit from terrorists”

To which the entire population of Moscow and a few other russian cities replied “AAAAAAUUUUUGGGH”

To which Vladimir Putin replied “[some cuss words in Russian]”

To which the entire population of New York, Chicago, Boston, DC, and a few other USA cities replied “AAAAAAUUUUUGGGH”

To which Joe Biden replied “blllrrpp dveniiins szherprrllzup”

Which, evidently, was another one of the nuclear codes.

To which the entire population of Shenzhen and a few other Chinese cities replied “AAAAAAUUUUUGGGH”

To which Xi Jinping replied “…the fuck? MOTHERFUCKERS!”

To which the entire population of Des Moines replied “AAAAAAUUUUUGGGH”

To which Joe Biden Body Double #1 replied “Des Moines?”

To which Xi Jinping replied “Well, Russia already blew up all of the good ones. Des Moines was next on the list”

To which noted comedian and Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelenskyy replied, “Hey guys, I could really go for some of those nukes right now, can we close this out?”

To which Joe Biden replied “fhuaepwfjhuq mmmmmmmmrreeeshud”

Which, evidently, was another one of the nuclear codes.

To which the entire population of Copenhagen replied “AAAAAAUUUUUGGGH”

To which Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen replied “… the fuck? GUYS!”

To which Joe Biden Body Double #1 replied “FFS can we get this guy under control?”

To which Joe Biden Body Double #2 replied “Does this mean I can get more screen time?”

To which Joe Biden Body Double #1 replied “I think you’ve said enough already BLAM BLAM BLAM”

To which Joe Biden Body Double #2 replied “AAAAAAUUUUUGGGH”

To which Vladimir Putin replied “That guy was a body double? I had no idea”

To which Joe Biden replied “bjkbwjreb mdowimdwo—“

To which Joe Biden Body Double #1 replied “No shut the fuck up Joe. This ends now BLAM BLAM BLAM”

To which the remaining American People replied “but we elected Joe Biden, and you are merely a pale imitation of him. Kamala Harris is now President”

To which Kamala Harris replied “a-hyuk a-hyuk a-hyuk” like Goofy

To which the remaining American People replied, “oh, FFS”

Greetings from 2022!

In my annual report from the future, I usually describe some dystopian nightmare with absurdist whimsy and it’s hilarious.

So far in 2022, we have, in various places:
– concentration camps with euphemistic names like “Wellcamp” and “Resilience Centre”.
– women being forced to cover their faces (ok, men too)
– forced medical experimentation on kids (yes, it’s still experimental. If you don’t think so, please provide some statistics on 3, 5, and 10 year long term side effects in the comments. Include population wide increases in onset of autoimmune conditions)
– Apartheid policies for the new underclass (but it’s not defined by race, so who’s complaining?)
– private businesses enforcing government policies (if you’re ok with this, look up a few definitions of fascism)
– strict border controls
– incessant full spectrum propaganda to sell all of the above-mentioned crap
– a general populace who are incapable of critical thought and swallow this propaganda wholesale because 12 years of school taught them that thinking means repeating things some authority figure told you.
– a subset of this populace who think they are capable of critical thought because a further 4 years of school taught them which authority figures they should be listening to and repeating. They’re the ones who think they’re smarter than religious people, while devoutly evangelizing The Science, which is revealed to them by sanctified men in white robes (lab coats). They have never read a single scientific paper on their own. Their new religion of Scientism is still in the pure catholic phase, awaiting a protestant revolution when competing interpretations of the holy pre-prints will proliferate.

But all of these things started before 2022, so unfortunately there’s nothing new to report from the future! Same old shit.

Speaking of oldness and shit, let’s focus on what’s really important. In 2020, I predicted that Joe Biden would shit himself in public. And in 2021, that prophecy was fulfilled.

As were his pants.

At the Vatican, no less. How apropos.

Happy New Year!