Category: Satire

Greetings from 2020!

Happy New Year!

And to those of you still languishing in the last decade, greetings from 2020!

The ’20’s are off to a “roaring” start, mainly because the 1920’s were called “the roaring 20’s” and humans, as a species, have lost any semblance of originality or historical perspective.

To wit, hipsters have decided that the 90’s are now retro, and have started wearing fluorescent spandex; ironically at first, then… unironically.

And they still have the beards. Picture that: 1890’s facial hair with 1990’s spandex, serving your morning coffee. That’s your first interaction every day.

The world anxiously awaits their discovery of grunge, when their beards will finally find an appropriate context.

But despite these setbacks, the fact that this decade can be pithily referred to as “the 20’s” is a welcome reprieve after “the aughts” and “the teens.” People who use those terms are universally reviled, and with good reason.

Speaking of revulsion, the 2020 election has been every bit the shitshow that it promised to be. Literally. During his first debate with Trump, Democratic nominee Joe Biden shat himself onstage.

This immediately alienated Biden’s core following, who could no longer ignore that the man was, in fact, full of malarkey.

Not to be outdone, Donald Trump quickly committed an equally embarrassing gaffe by continuing to be Donald Trump.

Consequently, the Libertarian Party nominee, Jacob Hornberger, received record-shattering votes, almost breaking into double digits.

He was, however, thwarted by a split vote when principled libertarians came out in force for Joe Biden, the man most likely to shit his pants while sitting in the oval office.

This additional 0.1% almost gave Biden the bump he needed to defeat Trump and avert the encroaching technocratic total police state. Because that’s what Democrats do, right guys?

Guys?

PS. Many Aussies have lost their homes this holiday season due to bushfires. As Michael Malice has said, for those who have lost everything, $5 is underwear. Please donate to https://www.redcross.org.au/donation.

USD$5.00 is AUD$7.14. Transcend borders.

The Matrix Reconceived

The Architect: Hello, Neo.

Neo: Who are you?

The Architect: I am the Architect. I’ve been waiting for you.

You have many questions, and although the process has altered your consciousness, you remain irrevocably human. Ergo, some of my answers you will understand, and some of them you will not.

Concordantly, while your first question may be the most pertinent, you may or may not realize it is also irrelevant.

Neo: The Matrix exists so that humans can provide energy to the machines. But that makes no sense.

A: Interesting. That was neither a question, nor was it pertinent.

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Greetings from 2017!

Greetings from 2017! And what a great year it’s shaping up to be!

Poverty and hunger have been almost eradicated across the globe, after the surprising discovery that flying killer robots are also capable of delivering bundles of hope and cheer. The resulting outbreaks of good feelings caused people to overlook centuries of colonialism and tribal conflicts and work together as neighbors.

This led to record-breaking agricultural production in all global markets. The abundance of low-cost food further freed up resources for capital investment in critical infrastructure, launching developing nations into a standard of living rivaling, and in some cases surpassing, that of developed nations.

And this is all thanks to the wisdom and beneficence of Our Glorious World Leader. Our Glorious World Leader was the first to recognize the true causes of the problems facing humanity, and to act swiftly and decisively to eliminate The Great Betrayer.
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Why I Became An Australian Citizen

Q. Why did you become an Australian citizen?

A. I recently bought one of those Australian hats with a wide brim, and I feel like a tourist when I wear it. As a citizen, I will feel more confident about wearing that hat since, legally, I won’t be a tourist.

Q. Where did you buy the hat?

A. Sea World gift shop on the Gold Coast.

Q. One of Australia’s key tourist destinations.

A. Yes. You can only get real, authentic Australiana stuff at hokey tourist traps.

Q. Where do real Australians get their hats?

A. I haven’t seen many Australians wearing hats like that. Probably because they don’t want to look like tourists.
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The Corrupt Kingmaker Behind Trump’s Ascent

ANARCHITECTURE EXCLUSIVE – The following is a transcript of a conversation recently released by Wikileaks. Original audio here.

While the precise time and location of the following conversation are unknown, it is believed to have been recorded by Russian operatives, sometime during 2013.

We have transcribed it here at anarchitecturepodcast.com in order to bring attention to this revelatory conversation, which could have significant ramifications for the 2016 presidential election if its contents become widely known.

We request that readers share this transcript in order to ensure that the voters are fully informed. This is vital to preserve the integrity of American Democracy.

The transcript below is presented in raw form, with no additional commentary, so that the reader may draw their own conclusions.

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

HILLARY: Donald, I need you to do something for me.

DONALD: Yes, Mrs. Clinton?

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